I leaned over her bed, late at night, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek. As I did, one of my tears fell onto her face, falling down into her wild and curly hair.
I love this girl so, so much I feel my heart physically swelling at the sight of her, but I don’t get her and I don’t know how to get her.
She could easily be described as sweet and kind… but that sweet demeanor can turn on a dime. One moment happy, cuddly and cheerful… the next in a fit of emotion about something small, like the taste of her toothpaste. Even if it the culprit of the fit seems trivial, her pain over it is obvious. She feels so deeply, so loudly, every emotion she has. Whether happy or sad, she feels in extremes.
She’s the one who has challenged me for at least four of her six years now. She’s creative, kind, loving, hilarious, talented and more… but we are slowly understanding that she needs more help than what we can give her. Parenting is hard. And honestly, it’s not going as I imagined it would so many years ago when my husband and I shared dreams about our future family. Never in a million years would I have thought we’d have a child who not only tries so hard but despite that is well below the average benchmark in school. Throw in extreme emotional issues (although that doesn’t present itself at school, ever) and you’ve got a picture perfect family shattered by reality. There is no picture perfect…it doesn’t exist.
And I can’t help but look at myself and wonder… what did I do wrong? I feel as if I’ve failed her in some way… and that’s a horrible feeling.
At the prompt of a friend, I made an appointment for my daughter with a child psychologist. Plus, she’ll be getting additional help at school.
I need answers. I need to know how I can help her. I need to make sure this path she’s spiraling down changes directions. I need help as much as she does… I need to know how to parent a child who doesn’t fit the mold. I’m hopeful yet feel so very helpless. Our appointment is not until May… what do I do until then?
I had been meaning to write about chowder today. About how on a cold day like today, a bowl of this hearty and flavorful chowder can wrap you in temporary comfort. When my mind is wild and my thoughts are far from being able to wax poetically about a pot of chowder, I know I can at least find some comfort in knowing that things will get better. And a bowl of comfort is a great way to start.
Creamy Chicken & Corn Chowder
Ingredients
- 1 cup reduced sodium chicken broth
- 5 bacon strips diced
- 1 red bell pepper coarsely chopped
- 1/2 cup chopped onion
- 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 3 cups milk
- 1 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
- 2 cups frozen whole kernel corn
- 1 cup cooked chicken breast cut into bite sized pieces
- 1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt
- 1 teaspoon Basil (I use and recommend Gourmet Garden
- 1 Tablespoon minced garlic (I use and recommend Gourmet Garden
Instructions
- In a large Dutch Oven, fry bacon over medium heat for 5 minutes. Next add bell pepper and onion. Cook until onion is translucent and the vegetables are tender.
- Add flour; cook and stir until smooth. Slowly stir in milk, Tabasco sauce and chicken broth. Bring to a boil; then cook until thickened, about 3 minutes.
- Add chicken, corn, seasonings and herbs. Stir until well incorporated and cook for 10 minutes or until heated through.
While I can’t imagine how you feel right now, I know this much based on your words: you love your daughter. That is the best place to start – wherever the journey leads – the best place to start is with love.
I’ll be praying for you and your beautiful girl hon!
Kristen, I remember those types of feelings very clearly. While the behaviors we were dealing with were different than yours, I know how scary and confusing it all is. The waiting and not knowing is awful, but hopefully you will get some answers and even though the answers may bring a whole new set of questions, I hope you will find peace in having those answers. Prayer and faith were the main things that helped me during the waiting. My prayers are with your family. Above all, let yourself off the hook; you did nothing wrong and I know you have and will continue to do everything you can to help her. You are so brave to share this with all your readers!
Yes, parenting is hard and we’ve had our own struggles in trying to figure out what one of our kids needs. One has such an easy time of everything in school and the other needs extra help and understanding when working with him.
I wish you luck in getting the answers you need and making a plan to help your daughter get through this rough time. You will all get there, and you are already working toward that. In the meantime, perhaps the school counselor can offer some guidance?
Kristen, so brave of you to share your parenting struggles like that. I know this is such a hard phase but sometimes your most challenging child is also your most rewarding. I sure hope things get easier soon, though.
Hey girl, just popped over from Facebook.
I wanted to tell you how brave and beautiful this post is. It’s easy for all of us to post adorable, properly filtered pics of our kids and never discuss the real work of the family.
You are doing that. And that’s why you’re girl is so lucky. Not because she has a mother who gets her completely, but because she has a mother who is willing to do anything to meet her daughter, right where she is.
That is beautiful. I’ve said this before about your photos, but Im saying it again. Your family is beautiful.
Will be thinking of you.
Kim xoxo
Hugs! Parenting is hard but its good you are seeking help and thank you for being honest about it! All too many times moms think they need to hide stuff like this because we don’t view ourselves as perfect moms. Keep us posted on what you find out!
I have a wonderful six year old girl and we are struggling with some of the same issues. She has been seeing someone for a few months and it has really help. Stay strong!!! And I can’t wait to try the chowder.
That should be helped, not help. I couldn’t figure out how to go back and edit.
I am not a parent, and probably should not voice my thoughts, but I am going too. I, agree with you parenting is hard – it is the one profession that I feel is over looked. I cannot imagine being a parent, though if I could, I would embrace the job with open arms. You are managing little people, who are just learning how to be “big” people. The only thing they really know how to do right is to love their parents, unconditionally. I can only imagine the frustration you feel, not being able to help her, but you have to know in your heart that despite the quirks and the ups and downs, you have a family and that is perfect! You just need to be there for her, hold her hand and guide her. The rest will eventually work out.
Kristen, your post brought tears to my eyes. I know what you are going through in some ways. Out of our five children, we had one child that needed so much more from us. He was a lot to handle and we weren’t used to his behavior since our other kids didn’t act that way. I felt responsible for his behavior and wondered what I did differently with him.
Know that you aren’t alone. You’re a good parent and you’re doing all the right things. Making an appointment to see someone is a great step and we did the same. Know that it gets better. I speak from experience and know this to be true.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I have one of those children too… and now as a teen he is the brightest, most level headed, industrious, compassionate and understanding people you’d ever meet. Finding that therapist, doctor or whomever to help you understand her and the way she sees the world will make a world of difference. You will move past this and she will become everything you’ve ever hoped for her and more. And one day, when she is older and can grasp the amazing Mother she has in you… she will be so thankful. Know that anything she’s dealing with isn’t about anything you did wrong or could have done differently… she’s just herself… the key now is to learn to communicate in her language. You haven’t failed her at all… you are, have been and will continue to be her champion. I know it’s a challenge and some days you will wonder if you are up for it… but you are one of the strongest women I know and you can do this.
I am so proud of you for bringing this out in the open and in a way speaking for all of us parents who face these kinds of challenges. I hope that you know that you have a lot of us standing quietly behind you, cheering you on.
And… that soup looks amazing. Go for the comfort. Be kind to yourself through all of this. Take time for yourself, if you aren’t there for yourself now and then… you can’t fully be there for them.
*hugs* <3
My heart breaks for you and your family over this post. I love all of you so much…prayers my sweet, sweet friend.
Parenting IS hard.
Big hugs. You will figure this one out. I admire you for seeking out help & a different perspective, I think it will definitely help – and hopefully relieve some of that mom anxiety that’s hard to shake.
Chowder? Looks awesome. Like seriously awesome.
Awwwwww. My heart hurts for you all. I have one of those. I love her with every bit of my being but…
We have had a behaviorist work with her and it did wonders for all of us. I can promise you that with age it does improve.
Good luck, prayers and keep us posted! Just remember you didn’t do this. You’re an incredible Mom.
Kristen, you are a wonderful mom — and yes, parenting is so, so hard. This post is a beautiful testament to how much you love her, and I have faith that you will find your way to understand her better and to help her.
Looks so good, Kristen!
I cannot imagine how hard this for you and your family. I know you’ll find the answer, it’s good you’re asking for help. Thinking about you!
Parenting is so hard, I often feel totally unprepared and and challenged especially with the teenagers. One of my boys has never fit in the box and it has been a struggle. You are an amazing, loving and caring parent, and that will get you and your family through until you are able to get a little more understanding. Praying for your family and wishing you all the best.
I can feel so much pain through your words, I wish I could give you a big hug right now and take some of it away. I may not have the answers you’re looking for but I’m a pretty good listener if you need one.
K — As always, I so appreciate your honesty! You offer me such inspiration as I aspire to follow in your footsteps on so many levels. Praying for you and your sweet family!
Thank you for sharing with us, I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this. I hope you’ll get some answers soon for your sweet little girl. We’re all here for you! Sending a virtual hug. 🙂
Oh darlin’. That was my middle son. He now has 6 year old twins….but schooling was so hard for him. Except he was in the 100%tile in grades…he just refused to do homework…and 5 teachers failed him…even though he was probably smarter than his teachers….he went on and got a maters degree…..but we were wondering what our son marched to a different tune…..we sent him for therapy. And he would say nothing for the whole hour….we learned we can do nothing. Period. Unless he was interested…the old story, you can lead the horse to the water,but you can,t make him drink it…….big hugs
I’m praying for you. One of my best friends has been going through something very similar with her daughter. They also started with a child psychologist, finally got a diagnosis, have sought treatment and are now seeing great results. From what you’ve written, the details are very similar. Please email me if you want more info. I think I can help as you wait for your appointment.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Parenting is hard. I wish I had answers for you and the best I can put forth is for you to love and support her the best way possible. It seems like you are doing that. At least you recognized she needed help and you on your way to that point-some parents never accept or seek assistance. I wish you well and hope you, your daughter, your family find answers and peace soon.
PS: I’d much rather read something real, than An Ode to Chowder. 🙂 The sun shall peak through the clouds soon and shine down on your family.
First of all, I love you. I remember when I first opened up to you about my Ethan. I remember how you said that you had tears streaming down your face. I remember thinking that I did not want you to be sad for me. I wanted you (and everyone) to see in him what I saw in him. A few months later, you met him, and you did. 🙂 I have met Ella, and I saw great things in her. She is special, and those special children often present the greatest challenges. But, they also deliver some of the greatest joy, in return. I know that you are up for this challenge because you are one of the best moms who I know.
I am here if you need to talk. Hugs!
Dear Kristen, I, too, read this post with a tear in my eye. Our darling sweet Ella who can be so stubborn. We always need love the most when we are the least lovable. Right now, she needs lots and lots of love. She is UNIQUE and SPECIAL! I am glad you are getting some help and hope it makes her happy, too. I love you all! Give her a hug from Grandma! I always said if I were God, I would have put a soft cover instruction book to come out with every baby. They are all different. When I was pregnant with Larry, I thought, I can do this, I’ve done it before…..only problem is He sent me a different kid every time!
All these things you are feeling are completely valid and the same things that we have felt as parents with our difficult child. We are finally figuring out what our “normal” is and seeing the benefits of the thousands we spent on play therapy, feeding therapy, and child psychiatrists….and all the hours spent in those appointments. I feel like I finally know my child and am developing a great relationship with him and him with me. I hope you have a great experience through all of that and find a fabulous doctor. It has made such a difference for us having a doctor that understands our needs as parents, our child’s needs and how to find common ground between the two. I think our two passionately emotional kids are very similar in ways. If you ever need a listening ear, know that you can always call me. For many years I never had a friend that was experiencing something even remotely similar and I know that would have made a huge difference for my ability to cope if I could have talked to someone that completely understood what I was going through instead of judging my parenting skills because of my child’s “not normalness,” for lack of a better phrase. You are such a great mom, Kristen, and I know you will find a way to get through this even if it is heartbreaking now.
That is so hard, to feel so helpless with your own child, to not know what in the world you can do for her, and then to have to wait SO long to try to get some outside help.
Parenting IS hard. Big Big HUGS.
Having a kid is feels so fiercely is tough. It’s beyond being “sensitive.” Giving her a safe space to express herself and work through whatever is going on is important.
I don’t know what I could say that everyone else has already said so much better than I have. 🙂 Hugs Hugs Hugs.
know you are not alone…i too never thought parenting would be this hard…so full of mistakes…lessons learned and relearned..frustrations…but those moments of the sweet sweet innocence of my child and the pure love that he shows…ahhhh…how i reach and hold onto those since i know THAT is who he is. prayers.
She is terribly cute thou. And God has a special plan for her life. If she is in His hands – no matter what her future or problems she faces, you will both have the strength to overcome them! I think all your kids are so cute. And beautiful! It was the SWEETEST thing to see your sons instagram comment on your stir fry! My heart melted!
God put this child in your family for a reason. She is loved deeply and surrounded by love and support by everyone. I’ll pray that she finds the help that she needs! What a well written, from the heart post. So brave!
Parenting may be hard but it sounds like you are doing an incredible job of it. She’s lucky to have a mother who cares as much as you and who is doing everything to try to help.
Oh K – that is just hard. You did the right thing though, loving her enough to make that appointment (and sister, loving her enough to wait until May for it!).
It’s a good thing we don’t receive manuals with our kiddos because they’d constantly have to be updating them and adding on “service packs” or something as our kids start to find their own way, discover who they are becoming, etc.
“Hang in there” sounds so trivial, but you know where to find me if you need to bend an ear …
xo
Oh hunny, my heart goes out to you but I know that you are strong and that no matter what is thrown your direction you will shower your daughter with love and understanding, though sometimes it is hard. Parenting is hard and sometimes there are no answers but just know that you and she are a child of God and that he does not make mistakes but makes each and everyone of us in his own image and we each have our own purpose. Sending lots of love and comfort your direction.
She is yours for a reason. Because although you feel overwhelmed you have love strong enough for her that you will walk through the battle beside her, and that isn’t something that everyone can do. You inspire me.
Miss you and wish I could could hug you right now!!
Parenting is hard, some days harder than others. I know I’m not saying anything you don’t already know but you’re an amazing mom and I’m positive things will all work out.
It’s often said that being a mother is both the most rewarding and most difficult position a person can hold….. and it’s true. Nothing will break a heart like the pain of a child. Yet in the midst of that lies our own feelings as a mother…. sadness, love, disappointment, anger, frustration. It’s so hard to balance caring for them and dealing with the stuff raging inside of us. A book that I cannot recommend enough is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (I actually have extra copies and would love love to send one to you if you email me your address)… It’s a daily devotional that has always spoken to me. Perhaps time in that and journaling your thoughts/prayers would help you sort this through some. Sending you hugs and praying you feel peace and guidance on how to walk this out.
The waiting is so hard.
I have a son who also feels every thing just that much MORE than others. He still has a kind of “wavy” diagnosis… that I assume one day will change and become more hard-and-fast, but even in getting the “sort-of” diagnosis, that was helpful.
Getting help at school is huge. My son is in Kindergarten, and we ended up choosing a Charter school to send them to (in the Twin Cities), because they were so much more willing to give him all of the help he needs, not just the help he “qualifies for.” (It’s a huge difference!!)
Hopefully you have some friends/neighbors/acquaintances who can help you through the process, but if you don’t, there are a lot of good groups online, and in real life, that can help you understand what the best next step is.
Good luck. The wait feels like an eternity. I hope you can get in sooner with a cancelation. (We weaseled in a good month early at the U of M thanks to that!)
-Beki
Oh 🙁 This sounds like my beautiful 3 year old daughter. We are dealing with almost the same issues… I can completely understand you, and my heart goes out to you. I know what you have to go through every day. It’s like walking on eggshells for us… but I think, or I pray, that you and your family, as well as us, will get through it and our daughters will grow up to be amazing, uber smart, beautiful individuals. My only advice is to keep talking to her and listening to her. Read between the lines, and listen for what is bothering her, or what excites her even.
I did study Psychology, but never practiced it… now I wish I went ahead and got my PhD instead of changing direction in the middle of it all and getting my MBA. Who knew what the future had in store for me…
In the meantime, could we share a bowl of this beauty?
Sometimes, life just sucks! Your post brought back the many years of tears and heartache with having a loving child that just didn’t “fit” in. As you share your life with all of us I feel like I walked many of the same steps. My kids are now in their 20’s and I can tell you there are many other parents out there feeling like you! Please know you are so strong and loving, but build a group of people around you to support your choices. The waiting game is tough! Kansas City has many different places for resources. One step at a time! You can do this!
Oh Kristen! For the subject of this post, it is one of the most beautifully written posts I might have ever read. It has touched my heart so deeply. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and I think there is a reason she is your daughter. You will be able to guide her through this life and give her whatever help she may need. She is in my prayers for a happy and wonderful life!
I’m sorry that you are going through this with your daughter and I’m sorry that you have to wait until May for the appointment. Whatever comes of the appointment I know that you and your family will go to the ends of the earth to help and support your precious little girl and I also know that you will find that you are doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong in the way that you are raising her.
You are so right. There is no picture picture family. Everyone one of us has issues, big and small that we are dealing with. You were open and honest enough to share yours.
I hope the professionals are able to provide you with answers to your questions and resources to help you all cope. Best wishes.
Oh Kristen! I am so sorry to hear this. My heart aches to know that you are going through this challenge with. It’s not always your parenting. I always find it amazing how a family with multiple kids can have them all be so very different. I think it’s great that you recognize that there is something that needs to be addressed. She is lucky to have a mother that cares & wants to help. How many kids out there have parents that don’t even know they need something more? Hug her tight, give her support, listen intently & May will be here before you know it.
you’re an amazing mom I know you’ll get this figured out. and i love how you share your beautiful life and family with us.
xoxoxoxo
I think your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mom. I know so many people who struggle in silence, and your willingness to seek out and find help to make things easier for her proves how much you love her.
p.s. I love those bowls, and would like a chowder-filled one to appear on my desk right about now.
I don’t know you on person, but I’ve been following for a while your posts, and I enjoy reading them. I know you’re a great mom, and the best thing of good mom’s is that they don’t stand back but on the contrary, they will do whatever in their power to help their children, even when their children are adults like myself. So I know everything is going to work out fine, with the challenges the Lord give us, as he knows we can handle them, learn from them and will make us grow as person and as family. I’m sure love is the answer, and your family seems to be full of it, so don’t be afraid, write to us as we listen/read, and your husband and you, as acouple, trust and support in each other on this journey. Keep your minds open in adaptation mode, as we always have to be adapting on new things in our lives, and enjoy your newest family member, the dog you adopted. I have two schnauzers and whenever I feel sad or I fear about the future, they notice and they make me feel better. Pets fullfill a big part of my heart, and they are family members too, so support on him too and you’ll see everything is going to be just fine. My best wishes on the psychologist appointment, I’m sure they will have some answers, if not all.
So I have to share this – recently I read a great book that pretty much described my son (who is active and his emotions can also change on a dime – or so it seemed) so well – it’s called, Raising Your Spirited Child (by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka). It discusses that while still ‘normal’ some children just have a bit more (more energy, feeling, etc.) It also helps with strategy to help without breaking their spirit (because we admire the qualities of spirited adults, it can just be hard to deal with them in children!) The one point that resonated with me the most is the tantrums – my son can throw a tantrum for an hour – the author says that with some children it’s the emotions that they can’t control and ignoring them doesn’t help (and sure didn’t for us. And these tantrums can be caused by cutting the sandwich in half wrong, or the way I open a banana.)
Seriously reading that book was like a revelation about my son to me and I highly suggest reading it! I checked one out from my local library and then bought it because I needed it as a reference book!
And you’re right, parenting is hard!
Our middle daughter’s story sounds a lot like yours. She is thirteen now and we also made the decision to look for help. She was eight at the time. She never ever acts out at school. Not many friends and only a few family members have seen her in the throes of her emotions. I wouldn’t change her for the world, but some days I would love to change my response to her. I fail her often, but am blessed to know that God has been merciful enough to me for my daughter to have a forgiving heart. We always try to begin again. My goal is to teach her to focus her energy and emotions into a positive and successful life. I am sure it will be wonderful. Just not sure what it will look like. We will hold you in our thoughts and prayers for your journey.
Hi there. Food on Friday: Corn on Carole’s Chatter is now open for entries. This looks like a good one! I do hope you link it in. This is the link . Please do pop back to check out some of the other links. Have a great week.
Kristen, your story touched my heart. I am not a parent yet, but I feel like the issues you are facing with your daughter are so relatable and every family faces some kind of struggle. As you stated, there is no picture perfect. I don’t know what to say to reassure you that you are doing your best. Some days are just better than others, so hold on.
Thank you for being so open, honest and vulnerable in this post, Kristen. You are brave, inspirational and amazing. I know this post will help so many others who probably feel alone. I know for a fact of others dealing with practically identical issues. You are definitely not alone my friend. xoxo
I just want to give you a hug. Thank you for trusting us enough to unburden some of this. Love ya x
Beautifully written. Parenting is so hard it’s true! It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Hang in there!
Oh Kristen, my heart hurts for you because I know how awful it feels to be worried about your little one. It’s a helpless feeling… what have we done… or what could we have done better… or why is this happening at home but not at school? It’s such a tough job raising our kids and trying to make sure they turn out to be the best kids possible. I think you did the right thing by reaching out for help (May?!) Thanks for trusting your readers to support you and give you advice. Much love and patience while you work through it. ALL of your kids are amazing, and you are an equally amazing mother.
My heart goes out to you – please know I’m praying for you & your family
Oh friend. My heart hurts for you. You are doing everything right for her. She knows she’s loved. She has family. And a happy life. Praying for you xoxoxo
First of all, i doubt you did anything wrong! Parenting is a strange job to be fair. One day you can be the star and the next day your kid wants to kill you (actually been said) Our house today is not much fun after a major meltdown last night but it’ll turn nice again when my daughter will come home from school having forgotten about the whole fiasco. My problem is that I store the ugly times to long in my brain but kids can wipe them away in a second. Trying not to make this sound patronizing, some kids do need some extra help and that’s okay but I always cling to the fact that secretly they do know where the solid foundations are which are the mom and dad. Hang in there 🙂
Kristen,
Like you, I have a “difficult” child. She’s now 13 and we’ve been struggling since she was 18 months old. Like you, I don’t feel like I parent her “right.” I think the most important thing is to just keep trying. Keep studying to find the things that DO work and just…keep trying. And hope to God they grow into their BIG personalities. If you ever want to talk, give me a call or e-mail 🙂
Missy
Hi Kristen, You have touched my heart today. I hope you find some answers and am so sorry you have to wait until May! Waiting is can be so hard. I wish I had some words of wisdom to send your way but I don’t. I can send you lots of good thoughts and prayers. to you and your family.
Thanks for sharing with us Kristen. My son was also very emotionally charged since birth (he had colic) and never seemed to grow out of it until about age 5-6 years old. He also didn’t show any signs at school (which made us really think we were going nuts!). Now, he’s pretty calm most days and we’ve given him strategies on how to deal with his emotions and outbursts. I would cry everyday wondering what we did wrong. In the end,, you realize it’s not your fault, and you just have to learn ways in which to cope. Eventually, our kids will have the skills and coping mechanisms to deal with it appropriately. At least that what I keep telling myself! 😉
My heart breaks for you and your family as I read this post. I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this. I cannot begin to imagine your pain,, your daughter’s pain and the helplessness you must feel. My heart goes out to you and I hope that May comes quickly and you all get the help as guidance you need.
This is absolutely magnificent, scrumptious, delicious, super yummy creamy chicken & corn chowder. I found your post from Pinterest! I’m also gonna pin this post on my Pinterest board my followers will love it. Thanks for sharing!