How can she possibly be ready?
I woke up at midnight with a tightness in my chest, grasping for breath. In the dark of the night, it felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was then I realized my pillow was wet and tear soaked.
As a mom who has stayed home with her babies, waking them up every day and taking care of their needs, this has to be one of the hardest things to do… sending them off, away from home for 7 hours a day, letting someone else take care of their needs. How can she possibly be ready?
How can she be ready to navigate the halls of the big grade school, swarming with other children? How will she find her way to her classroom without me being there to guide her? How can she know how to put her backpack away, take her snack to her desk and follow the order of the day without me there to help her? How can she possibly carry a big heavy tray full of lunch food across the crowded lunchroom without dumping it across the floor? How can she be ready for spelling tests, reading homework and math problems? How can she possibly be ready?
I know I’ve sent other kids off to school and they’ve thrived… but I worry about her so much. I worry that others won’t get and understand her quirky little self. I worry that she’ll be the one on the playground alone or sitting at the lunch table with no one else coming to sit by her. I worry that she just won’t get the school work that she’s given, even though I know she is completely capable. I worry about the kids out there who aren’t so kind… and I worry about her tender heart. She is a beautiful, wonderful, spirited, funny, sweet girl… but what if no one else sees that?
I’m leaving her in the hands of a trusted, loving, incredible teacher and I still worry. What if she can’t do it without me there… which is silly, I know, but how can she possibly be ready?
This is why we do this mothering thing, right? To prepare them for the day when they are pushed a little further and begin to really fly on their own.
But I still grasp at the thought… how can she possibly be ready? I know my heart is not.
This was me 4 years ago when I sent Caedon to school. And YOU got me through it. 🙂
To be a fly on the wall that first day of school. I feel like Nemo’s dad “Well you got to let them go sometime” but then freaks out “the dropoff!” I honestly put on a brave face but lose it when I get home.
My husband said “Caedon’s first day of school, you’ve dreaded this day since the day he was born.” He’s quirky and a little bit different but he’s so much more confident now that it doesn’t bother him. He embraces it.
She’s going to be amazing. And we’ll all be right here; holding you up and cheering her on. 🙂
Oh Trysha – I cannot believe THAT was 4 years ago. Isn’t that crazy? It seems like he just started school. Wow.
What’s crazy is this is Ella’s 1st grade year, but Kindergarten here is just half day. It always seems so much harder letting go for a full day than just a couple of hours.
Thank you so much for your comment (and support… you are a great friend!). I appreciate it so much 🙂
Oh goodness, I’m already anxious for this day and he has yet to exit the womb! I don’t know your daughter, but I see a little bit of me in her. I didn’t talk until 5th grade, I failed every test because of anxiety and would stay inside and color by myself at recess. Crazy enough, I survived and she will too. I’ll be thinking about you!
Oh, do I know how this feels. My middle child was this for me …
Hugs!
I was definitely not ready to read this post. Sheeeeeee is so sweet! <3 Ugh.
I just sent both of mine off to high school. I don’t think that feeling ever goes away. I hope it does, but so far it hasn’t. The anxiety that has built up and the sleep lost … I’m with ya sister. xoxoxo
I agree with Amy, I don’t know if that feeling every goes away! I feel it now with my oldest, who is a sophomore and has his driving permit. It’s too scary, how can they be ready? They’re just babies.
What a very sweet post with beautiful pictures!!
So sweet, Kristen. I am about to send my middle child off to kindergarten…but she’s my tough cookie. I worried far more about my sensitive son than I will about my take-no-bull-from-anyone 5 year old! But I know I could be wrong and the best thing I can do is let her know I am here for her every step of the way.
Okay, you had me crying like a baby! I’m especially bummed over the chance that they might go to full -day kindergarten next year, the year my oldest would start. I really don’t want them to get her a year early!
It’s hard to believe that 8 years ago my youngest of 4 went into Kindergarten. He’s in 8th grade this year. One’s a sophomore in high school, another is a freshman in college and the oldest is 20 years old. It’s hard for me to fathom sometimes, that they are all grown (just about) and soon they’ll be leaving home and starting families of their own. You’ve done a fabulous job Kristen, your children are beautiful and so are you. 🙂
It never does go away….I know my heart has broken every time kiddo has come home after a difficult day or with hurt feelings. (That’s one reason I loved our 3 years of homeschooling so much.) 😉 We’re all there with ya…and her. ♥
OK, so I had to step away from the computer and lock myself in the bathroom so the kids wouldn’t notice me crying over this post… It is so hard, isn’t it? My little Olivia is starting Kindergarten next week (it’s full day here) and I am so not ready to not have her here with me all the time. Definitely not ready…
She’s ready because you have been a great mother, preparing her along the way, teaching her right from wrong. You have made her strong enough to embrace her quirky self. She is ready because she knows she has hugs and kisses waiting for her when she gets home.
She is ready because of you.
xoxoxo
Oh Kristen, I go through this every year with my youngest. She’s now in 5th grade and the only thing that gets me through is that she is such a happy kid. Nothing seems to get her down for too long. Trust in the teacher. I know for us they have been the saving grace.
Hugs…I sure know what you are giong through…
Yes, but without you she will grow and become herself. She is so ready! It’s just a step… you will be fine! She will be amazing!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. ~ Dr. Seuss. She will do great…cherish every minute of it!
She is so sweet! I’m already anxious for these days to come too. Deep breathing!
it never goes away……I feel that way every time my girls head out in uncharted territory. You are an awesome mom and you have to believe you’ve given her what she needs!
{{{hugs}}}}
She sounds like such a sweet, gentle soul. And because of that, she will thrive in the big world and bring her gifts to others. But as a mom, yes, it does quite a number on your heart……hang in there and I hope she has a wonderful day! (And you, too, Mom) 😉
OMGosh!! This made me cry!! My last baby just left me for Kindergarten today. I tried bribing him by telling him if he stayed home, we’d eat ice cream & watch cartoons all day. It didn’t work. He left me!! I stood there @ the end of our driveway sobbing as I waved bye to the bus. My hubby had to bring me back into the house, my stomach hurt so bad watching him leave. @ least he did tell me very softly “I’m gonna miss you mum”. *sniffle*
My heart swelled with so much emotions, reading this post. You are a sweet mama, Kristen. I am sure she is ready 🙂
I cannot imagine the pain my mama went thru during my childhood.
I just got to work after dropping my only child off for the 1st day of 2ND grade…
My daughter is not as outgoing as some children so I have worried everyday since pre-school about her when I am not there with her. Although she cried some nights at bedtime (and I in turn cried myself to sleep) she has done it! I know each day letter her go brings her that much closer to preparing her for the time I won’t be there at the end of her hard day. I am sure that you have given her all that she needs and she will thrive!
I feel you Kristen, I just sent Gina off to kindergarten. Last year felt worse because she was in full time preK & I had major guilt about it. I’m ready to have more babies. In theory. 😉
what a sweet post. I’m sure she will be great!
Well, you’ve done it again! I am writing this with tears in my eyes (and running down my cheeks! I know just how you feel because I still feel it and as you know my kids are grown. I hurt every time they hurt. I hope for their safety everyday. I want them to be wrapped enough in my love that they can weather every storm. And believe it or not, I have the same feelings about my grandchildren. I know that they have to go through certain trials to make them stronger, but it would be so nice if everything was easy…it would be so much easier on us. You are a great mother and Ella is so much like you. Unique! But aren’t they all….she will do fine. As you said, she has an excellent teacher who knows her and knows you! She will take over from where you have to leave off. Love you!
Ohhh I am so not ready. I still have 2 weeks before kindergarten and I know I’ll have a panic attack the night before. Where are our babies?!
Kristen, when you, my last chick and child went off to college 200 miles away, a popular song on our country station had a line, ” you’ve had eighteen years to prepare for this,” and it seemed to play in the rotation as I was going to work. I was actually bawling by the time I got to work! Separations never get any easier, but they are necessary for growth!
Oh Kristen. My heart broke a little with this one. As the mother of a quirky child, I understand your anxiety all too well. Mine has thrived so far but we will soon enter the time when kids recognize that he is different and begin to tease. I am dreading that day. Will be thinking of you today!
Dad says it would be nice to be there to walk you guys to school. but he wonders if he would be holding Ella’s hand, or yours…
Oh Kristen, what a sweet and wonderful post! We do indeed raise our children well, then watch them grow and our mother hearts cling to our joys from the past and try not to let our fears control the future. Even though it is bittersweet, enjoy participating in these times and continue to blog like this. Someday your daughter will treasure what you have written.
BTW, My sweet adopted daughter that gave us such a challenge a few years ago, is now engaged to a fine young man, doing well, and growing wisely. Hang in there momma!
Annette
Sweet, sweet Kristen, all I can really say, through tears, is that I love you. As you said earlier, we have been through all of this, virtually, together. We have raised up babies, had encouraging telephone calls, and supported each other along the way. I totally understand what all you are feeling right now. I have a free-spirited, unique, amazingly awesome little girl, too, who will be starting full time Kindergarten on Monday. Those things about Summer and Ella are the things that will make them strong, will make them kind-hearted, and will make them smile right through the hard days. Hugs!!
Oh man—dreading this day! I bet she’ll do awesome though!
she’s ready Kristen, because you’re her mama and you’ve prepared her well for this next part of her journey
I’ve sent ‘that kid’ to school, too. Your heart might not be ready, but I’m guessing she is. She is because you’re her mamma, and you’ve taught her things you didn’t even realize you were teaching. Cherish this time….I’m painfully aware this week that time really does fly as the kids get older. Before you know it you’ll be like me–crying so hard you fluster a University police officer and (very impatiently) waiting for the Skype alert to ding 🙂 (((hugs)))
You took the words right out of my mouth. I am a stay at home Mommy and my oldest goes to Kindergarten on the 6th. The morning she was born I was getting ready to go to the hospital and I heard a school bus. I said to myself I am going to blink and she is going to be getting on a school bus for school. Well here we are. I cant think of that, talk about it or see a school bus without tearing up. I know she will thrive and we will be so proud of her bravery. Still sad to see her go and grow up.
I got about 5 hours of restless sleep last night. I was a hot, sweaty, nervous mess this morning. I STILL have a whole HOUR until I get to meet him at the end of our driveway this afternoon. I want my baby back.
Oh, I know only too well how you feel. Because you know her so well, I’m guessing she is prepared and ready to go… because you made her that way. You are a good Momma. Hang in there!
Aw, Kristen! Feeling for you right now, girl <3
Huge hugs!!! xoxo
My heart went straight to my throat as I read this. My youngest is going into third grade and my eldest is entering fifth, his last year of elementary school. I’m freaking out at the prospect of middle school next year. All of those other kids are SO BIG. How could my guy possibly be ready to mix with them?
Why wait 18 years to have confidence in your lovely daughter?
Probably all the things you fear will happen in her life in some measure, and if you experience your confidence in her — and your mothering — now, she will more gracefully rise above it. The things we fear our kids might have to endure can actually nudge them toward greater resilience and deeper self-recognition. When we root our hearts in that knowledge, our confidence in them helps empower them to do what only they can do.
Oh mama, I hear you and feel your pain. My daughter is heading off to grade one this year too…well, a grade one/kindergarten combo actually (long story). The sad fact it, there will be buckets full of mummy tears across in September. Hugs to you from Toronto.
My children are so much older but I think that feeling never really leaves a mom. First day of preschool, first day of kindergarten, first day of high school, first day of college…and now here I am worrying about her in the first day of a new job. We have to have faith we have done our best to prepare them but all of that faith does not prepare us as well sometimes; don’t we all want to cling to our children just a little bit longer, just a little bit tighter through every transition?
She looks adorable and I just feel certain her adorable presence and her quirky spirit will thrive with her mom there to support her. That I have faith in.
Oh goodness, I struggle with that right now.
I wasn’t ready to read this the first time I saw it today. I have read this post more times than I should admit. I have had a front row ticket to see the Ella show since day one. There is so much going on behind those deep blue eyes. It has been a ride thus far and I think we just started and I don’t think she is going to follow a GPS’s instructions. Pretty sure we are to map some new territory, but it will never be boring. She is as ready as you get and she isn’t alone. She can’t read this post yet but she doesn’t need to, she knows you love her.
Thank you for writing what I am unable to say. I agree with everyone else you are a great mother and wife.
I love you.
Ahh…so sweet! I am pretty sure something is wrong with me, cause I am more than excited when school time comes around. It’s a little hard, sure, but guiltily I am more like the mom who sings happy songs down the isle of walmart while we are buying school supplies. Does that make me a bad mom? I hope not. They are always welcomed home with hugs and kisses at the end of each day! 🙂
Oh Kristen. You put a tear in my eye this morning. My baby is 25 and moved out of state in June. The feeling never goes away because we as moms, nurturers of our children, a job that never goes away, will always have a hard time really letting go. The only comfort is seeing them happy, even if our heart is missing them. Your little girl will do just fine because she has one awesome mom to look to. Hugs!!!
I could have written this exact same thing, EXCEPT mine will be heading to college. It feels exactly the same. xo
I probably shouldn’t have read this as I’m getting Peyton ready for school. I have been living absolutely everything you just said. I can’t stand the thought of her sitting alone, or being picked on. OR class being too hard. Gosh, I hate how hard it is to be a parent sometimes. I jsut want to keep her close forever.
I just sent my first born to kindergarten two weeks ago and I felt this too. I felt my heart break in two when he walked away from me and into that classroom. I miss him so much and worry everyday about these same things. I don’t want my kids to grow up, but to stay small and in my arms forever.
Oh Kristen, I was not prepared to read this… First thing she is so sweet and I know for sure you have given her the tools to succeed. I don’t think the worrying ever goes away… My youngest just started 2nd grade and my oldest 5th grade, last year of elementary school and I have already gotten teary eyed. I have no clue what will happen when I see him walk down the aisle and graduate into Middle School, I am absolutely terrified of the thought. Just know that we are here for you… 🙂
I just randomly found your post via a google search. I know how you feel. I have started my 4 year old ( 5 in december) in full day kindergarden,just thinking about sending her ALL DAY has made me physically sick and have been in tears for about 3 days on and off!! I am getting used to it though.
I am calling the school hopefully tomorrow to find out if i can get her into half days which is possible but it might single her out a bit! A full day for a 4 year old is just way too much, i am sorry. I’ve actually been pulling her out at lunch (1 pm) and not bringing her back cuz within a hour she is exhausted.
They are only young once and with full day i don’t think it is fair they are taking more of their childhood away…not that you don’t make memories at school but come on.. I mean i think the transition will be easier for grade 1 as well for the both of us!