I first realized I had a problem a couple of months ago. Leah, my new baby, was 3 months old. I was still in new baby bliss, totally loving every moment with her. One part of me felt extremely happy… life was about as good as it can get. What began creeping up on me though was something I couldn’t explain. I started to become very anxious, almost like I was over-caffeinated (and I rarely drink coffee). My heart would race and I would feel shaky. I was extremely edgy. Every little thing my other kids would do would drive me crazy. I was yelling at them more than I ever had before, about even the tiniest of things…(not getting in their carseats fast enough, leaving their shoes out on the floor, hollering my name after they went to bed). When Ella would fall and hurt herself or cry, I would turn and walk the other direction because the tone of her cry was more than I could handle…like fingernails on a chalkboard. Simple chores, like unloading the dishwasher, were too overwhelming for me. It would take me all day long to do what should have taken me 5 minutes. Finally, one day, I snapped… Kelly, my 5 year old was doing her homework, sitting in a chair right next to me. She was writing and very innocently kept knocking her elbow into me as she wrote. I felt, at that moment, like I was going to crawl out of my skin and absolutely lose it with her. It took that moment for me to realize that something was not right. I needed help.
The next morning I was having breakfast with a good friend of mine when I decided to actually verbalize what I had been going through. I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone, even my own husband, because I honestly felt like I was losing my mind and was just a horrible mom. When I expressed to my friend, who happened to have had a baby just 2 months before me, what I was going through she nodded in understanding. Come to find out, she had just been to the doctor a couple months before for the same thing and she was now being treated for post-partum depression.
Depression? But I’m happy! I’m not weepy and unable to get out of bed. I love my baby and have never had any ill feelings towards her. How could I have postpartum depression? But my friend described what she was going through and it mirrored my symptoms exactly.
As soon as I got home that morning I called my OBGYN’s office and they had me come in right away. I remember sitting in that office when I was there for my 6 week postpartum checkup and being asked “How are you feeling? Do you have any of the baby blues?” Proudly, in fact extra proud of myself because I’ve been able to answer the same way with all four kids “Nope – I am very happy and things are going great!”
What I found out the day of my appointment was that I did in fact have postpartum depression symptoms. What came to a surprise to me is, as the doctor explained, many people believe postpartum shows up within the first several weeks after having a baby. It does happen that way, but postpartum depression usually presents itself anywhere between when the baby is actually 4 months old to a year. Also, postpartum depression doesn’t always mean that you can’t stop crying and that you hate your baby. Anxiety, nervousness and overall edginess are other very common postpartum depression symptoms.
I am now being treated with Zoloft, an anti-depressant medication. As a normally pretty happy and well balanced person, I can tell you that I never thought that I would need to be on an anti-depressant medication. I can also tell you that starting Zoloft one month ago was one of the best decisions I have made in a very long time. The patient, loving mom I once was is back. I am no longer running away when one of them cries, instead running to them with open arms. Our home is peaceful once again… the screaming and yelling has totally ceased. My to-do list is getting accomplished and I am not nearly as overwhelmed by the little tasks of my day as I was.
I am not writing this post today for sympathy. I am writing it because I know that there are others out there most likely feeling the same way. I want you to know that you aren’t crazy… just because you don’t feel depressed and aren’t crying all the time does not mean that you are okay. Postpartum depression rears its ugly head in many forms. Please, if you feel even the slightest bit off kilter, talk to your doctor. Getting help can make your life manageable again. It did mine.
Now, when life is a little less serious and you just need a chocolate pick me up, try this Deep Dark Chocolate Cake found over at Inn Cuisine. This delicious cake can’t fix postpartum depression, but it certainly can help to perk up your mood!
Deep Dark Chocolate Cake (from Inn Cuisine and Hershey’s)
- 2 cups granulated sugar
- 1 & 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
- 3/4 cup cocoa
- 1 & 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
- 1 & 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 2 large eggs
- 1 cup milk
- 1/2 cup vegetable or canola oil
- 2 teaspoons vanilla
- 1 cup boiling water
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour two 9-inch cake rounds or one 13×9×2-inch baking pan.
In a large mixing bowl, stir together the first six ingredients (sugar through salt); add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; beat on medium speed for 2 minutes. Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin); pour into prepared pan(s) and bake in a preheated 350 degree F oven for 35-40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in center comes our clean. If baking cake rounds, allow rounds to cool slightly before turning out onto wire racks to cool completely. If using rectangular baking pan, allow cake to cool completely before icing.
One Bowl Chocolate Frosting
- 6 tablespoons butter, softened to room temperature
- 2 & 2/3 cups confectioner’s (powdered) sugar
- 1/2 cup cocoa
- 1/3 cup heavy whipping cream
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
In a medium-sized bowl, mix and beat all ingredients using an electric mixer. If icing seems too thick, add a touch more heavy cream until desired consistency is reached, taking care not to over-thin the icing. I have found these amounts enough to frost the top and center layer of two, stacked, 9-inch cake rounds (but not the sides) or the top of a 13×9×2-inch rectangular cake. If you are looking to frost the sides of the stacked cake rounds as well, consider doubling these amounts.
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Oh Kristen. I am so sorry to hear about this! I figured something was up since you’ve been so absent lately. I hope you are doing great now… depression is not something to take lightly, it can cost marriages, friendships… you did the right thing. Thank God that you had the voice to talk to your friend about this..
.-= DeltaWhiskey´s last blog ..Leaving On a Jet Plane =-.
I went through this after my second son was born. I decided against drugs and went down the path of time out for me, exercise and some counselling. Really pleased you have faced it and are doing well Kristen. And chocolate is good for this too
.-= barbara´s last blog ..A Pop Up Bar In Sydney =-.
I am so glad that you are bringing some awareness to this through your blog. I had ppd after Katie was born, and like you, it was when she was about 3.5 months old. Thank you for bringing some light *and chocolate* to this mama issue that so many of us face!
I’m so sorry you have to go through this, and hope the Zoloft works for you. Be careful of the side effects & withdrawal, though, it can be rough. Email me if you want to talk about it.
.-= Vicki´s last blog ..Google Tag =-.
I went through the same thing after the birth of our second daughter. I got through it and life seemed like a brand new thing to me. Glad you are doing better & I hope maybe some women might see themselves in your description and get the help they need too. Blessings!
.-= Donalyn´s last blog ..Braised Pork Steaks with Sauerkraut =-.
Glad to hear you are getting help with it. I took zoloft once for depression, and it was a miracle drug for me. Haven’t taken it for years now, but I’m glad it was there when I needed it.
xoxo
.-= Kalyn´s last blog ..Recipe for Kubideh: Grilled Ground Meat on Skewers with Middle Eastern Spices =-.
Kristen, you rock for being so open, honest and sharing your experience of a topic that should be out there more than it is, because I had the same notions of P-PD that you did, too, before your appt. I’m so thankful you had a friend to talk to and who recognized the symptoms as what you had been going through. Excellent post, and I’m so happy you are feeling better!
xx
P.S. Dang, I was just hankering some chocolate and you had to post this super yummy-looking recipe! That would be so good with some almond milk (my fave), drool….
Excellent post. My sister wrote a post on depression a little while ago. I think you will like it.
http://www.remarksfromsparks.com/2008/07/anti-discussion.html
.-= rookie cookie´s last blog ..Baked Apples with Granola Pecan Streusel =-.
So glad that you had the wisdom and courage to reach out, first to a friend, and then to a doctor. It’s sometimes hard to acknowledge when we, as moms, need some help (whatever form that may take). But! I think in reality you are setting a wonderful example for the rest of us who read your blog and share your journey and for your own children. It’s a great lesson to give them: that taking care of yourself is always important, always worthy of attention.
Best,
Casey
.-= TasteStopping´s last blog ..DR: Splitsville 29 =-.
That is exactly how I felt after Madeline was born, and Logan too but I didn’t realize it then and unfortunately was never treated. With Madeline it took me until about 5 months and a really good friend to listen and tell me what I needed to do before I saw the doctor. It was the best thing I’ve done. Hearing my husband tell me how I’m so much more patient now, especially considering he’s normally not the type to just offer up that kind of info without being asked, is the best feedback I could get.
xoxoxox
I miss you!
.-= Katie @ goodLife {eats}´s last blog ..Garden Lessons =-.
Good for you for having the commonsense to seek help and take the medication! I suffered in silence for almost 5 years with Post Natal Depression and was to proud & embarrassed to ask for help. I admire and applaud your honestly Kristen!
.-= MsGourmet´s last blog ..The road ahead is paved with good Martinis =-.
Wow, great post. I never knew what you described was considered PPD. Hm. Very interesting. I will definitely be thinking about these things.
Thank you!
.-= Jaime´s last blog ..pumpkin torte with dreamy brown sugar frosting =-.
I never knew that you could have post partum later as you described! It’s definitely going to be a eye opener to a lot of people, this post! Glad to hear that you found help and are feeling better now as it must be a terrible feeling.
.-= Simone (junglefrog)´s last blog ..Beef stew with pumpkin and beer =-.
Big hugs to you! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with PPD. I think many women don’t quite understand it and suffer in silence instead of getting help. The chocolate cake looks delicious too!
.-= Cara´s last blog ..Apple Picks =-.
I’m so glad that you posted this! I work as a therapist with many women who experience PPD, and I know how difficult it is to share your story! I’m so happy that you have found medication helpful. It’s wonderful for you and your children that you were able to get help.
I’m so glad that you sought help and are getting it. I think there is such a stigma placed on depression and anxiety when so many of us have it.
Don’t forget we’re here for you!
.-= maris´s last blog ..It’s The Great Pumpkin: Pumpkin Bread Recipe =-.
I’m so glad you figured out what was wrong and that you’re feeling much better. I’m pretty sure I went through that with my little one, but I never did anything about it… just trudged through with lots of tears and impatience. It’s okay for women to admit that they’re really experiencing these things. You did the right thing here- raising awareness by sharing your own experience.
.-= Lori @ RecipeGirl´s last blog ..A Brand New Food Blog to Share! =-.
What an incredibly honest and thoughtful post. I know several women who are dealing with this and who benefited greatly from getting it out in the open. I find it remarkably sad that mothers are made to feel bad about experiencing a full range of emotions. Way to go speaking out about this issue and getting the support you need.
And by the way, that cake looks pretty darn good too.
.-= El´s last blog ..Secret Obsession: Chocolate Chip Buttered Pecan Cookies & Milk =-.
How courageous of you to seek help, and even more courageous of you to speak so openly and honestly about it. I am sure there are so many who will be helped by this; more than you’ll ever know.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Turkey Bean Pumpkin Chili =-.
I am so glad you are feeling better and really happy that you wrote about all this on your blog. I always had the typical views of ppd and would have had the same feelings as you about it. Now that you have educated me, I will know should I ever be so fortunate to have children and experience something similar (fortunate on the kids part, not the ppd – ha). xxo.
thx so much for sharing this, kristen. my case was i yelled at my husband. to me, everything he did to our baby boy was not enough, i just thot he didnt love him at all. my baby was my only focus. he’s the only priority. we fought EVERY SINGLE DAY just bcos my husband did sthg i thot completely wrong to our baby. and turned out i took everything to myself. and i was totally exhausted and unhappy. i did wonder if i had postpartum depression, just refused to admit that!
all the best.
it’s my husband’s patience that made me loosen myself up. and i think things are getting better now!
i’m glad that u hd the treatment you needed. i mean the chocolate therapy.
.-= lululu´s last blog ..To Ethan (12 months) =-.
I like everyone else assume that ppd happens right after birth and being emotional wreck is the only symptoms. Thank you for this beautiful post.
I glad you have a friend who listened and helped you. And you got your sunny personality back.
.-= The Cooking Ninja´s last blog ..Spaghetti with Marinara Sauce (Tomato) =-.
I can’t say I’ve ever suffered from PPD (I’ve never had a baby…) but having watched other people go through this, I’m so appreciative of your openness. There’s too much stigma around depression in our culture, and I think it prevents people from getting the help they need. I’m so glad you’re feeling better and can speak so candidly about your experience.
.-= Julia´s last blog ..Happy Food (Recipe: Crispy Chicken Livers with BBQ Sauce) =-.
My birthday is Thursday and this looks like my kind of birthday cake to me!
.-= BethieofVA´s last blog ..sweet taters, ree and a pepper mill =-.
Good for you for voicing what was going on and getting help. Very brave and generous of you to blog about it too. That cake looks great for the blues – or pretty much any time
.-= Hopie´s last blog ..Seasonal Market Menus =-.
Glad you’re getting the help you need, and so proud of you for being able to write this post.
.-= Adrienne´s last blog ..Apple Spice Cake =-.
Wow. I just went through this same thing myself. It took me a year to figure out what was going on. I’m so happy you are feeling better and have gotten the help you needed.
.-= Cafe Johnsonia´s last blog ..The Illegitimate Child of My Garden =-.
You are incredible – thank you for sharing your story. Hugs!
.-= shelleybakes´s last blog ..Giada’s Quick & Spicy Tomato Soup =-.
I can hardly read this without tearing up. I went through much of the same, and got some help, but not enough. My husband never got it and my OB spent about 2 minutes talking to me even after I broke down in her office. It’s real and it’s scary. I’m glad you were about to talk about your experience here. Thanks for bringing more light to this issue.
I’m glad you’ve shared your story. Looking back, I know I had ppd with both of my other kids, and never got any help for it. Now that I’m pregnant again, I decided to get proactive and talk to my midwife, letting her know that I would probably get ppd again so that we could be prepared. Turned out that I already had depression, a combination of the ppd left over from my last baby and pregnancy depression. So I too joined the Zoloft club and am in counseling. It really has made such a difference, and I’m so grateful to know that when I get ppd again, I am being proactive and doing something about it. I agree 100% with you – if you feel off kilter, talk to your provider. It’s so much better to deal with depression than to let it run your life.
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Pumpkin Butter =-.
I’m so glad you were so brave to talk to someone and then get help. I really admire you for writing about it as well, and enlightening others who might be in a similar situation. I’m not a mother, but reading about things like this bring a whole new perspective for me in reaching out to friends and family who could be dealing with the same things. Thank you!
.-= Joy´s last blog ..Quick Apple Crumble with Cranberries =-.
Oh, Kristen, how awful for you to feel that way!! I’m so glad you talked to someone. PPD seems to be the thing new moms DON’T talk about or prepare for. I had it with Kye and didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone, they would think I was crazy and take my new baby away!!
Glad to hear things are going better!
Whit
.-= Whitney´s last blog ..Visitors part 2 =-.
Kudos Kristen. Thank you for posting about this very emotional and sometimes sensitive topic. More women need to know about this and realize they do not have to suffer in silence.
My heart goes out to you for being so candid and truthful, especially the part about your daughter doing her homework, it made me want to cry – be strong Mother of 4!!!!
.-= Ann´s last blog ..Ecuadorian Chicken Fried Rice – Chaulafan de Pollo =-.
I’m so proud of you for being open and honest about your experience. Many moms experience similar symptoms, to varying degrees, and it’s important for those who do suffer from post-postpartum depression to be able to talk about it and get help. I’m sure your post will help shed a light for others who might be suffering and wondering in silence. I’m glad, with your doctor’s help, you were able to start feeling like your usual sweet self!
.-= Sandie ´s last blog ..Putting the Happy in Happy Hour – No Cooking Required! (Recipe: Hoagie in a Bread Bowl) =-.
That’s so good that you were able to diagnosis it and get help. It’s also great that you’re sharing this with everyone because I had no idea post partum depression could manifest itself like this. Thank you soooo much for sharing, I really appreciate it. Congrats on getting better too!
.-= gaga´s last blog ..Lu Rou Fan (Stewed Pork Rice) =-.
My daughters are 14yrs and 16 yrs and I feel that I am still battling those feelings!
I’m sorry to hear you were going through such a rough time back when we met over the summer! I’m sending you huge virtual hugs! I am happy to hear you shared what you were going through with a good friend and were able to find a solution that is working for you. I’m sure just by sharing your story, many others will find that they are not alone in those feelings.
.-= patsyk´s last blog ..Sausage and Spinach Puffs =-.
I struggled with PPD too, once i was on meds it seemed so clear and I wondered why I didn’t figure it out before, I just thought it was the deployed husband type of blues
I stayed on the meds until they gave me horrible migraines
.-= natesgirl´s last blog ..Roasted Butternut Squash Seeds =-.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to read one of your posts – AND a chocolate one to boot.
Thank goodness for transparency in women like you. Sharing our struggles with each other is so very important, not just for the freedom we feel ourselves, but for others alone and in need of advice and encouragement. Thanks for putting yourself out there Kristen. I hope other women will follow your example. :-]
.-= Amy J´s last blog ..My new, old favorite kitchen gadget. =-.
Kudos to you kristen for bringing up such an important and relevant topic. You are inspirational!
.-= Daryl Callahan´s last blog ..It’s The Great Pumpkin: Pumpkin Bread Recipe =-.
how courageous and kind of you to share this story with others. The cake is a great pick-me-up, even for those of us who don’t have post-partum depression.
.-= Ciaochowlinda´s last blog ..Pappardelle With Mushrooms and Truffle Cream Sauce =-.
1st of all, this cake is divine. Excellent photos and it’s making me drool all over my keyboard!
2nd – I am sad to read your story but am so proud of you for posting it. Like you said, there are probably other moms out there, reading this, or friends of moms who’ve noticed something off, who can relate and your post will help them get the help they need. I know it will stay with me as I enter motherhood someday.
.-= Deanna Sarmento´s last blog ..Chocolate Raspberry Cupcakes =-.
I am SOOO glad you posted this! Great post and great recipe.
.-= bakingblonde´s last blog ..Fruit and Nut Granola =-.
Thanks for sharing, and I’m soooo glad you are feeling better. xo
HUGS
I’m glad you were able to recognize that something wasn’t right and spoke to someone about it. Too many people don’t and things get worse instead of better. So happy for you that things are getting back to normal for you! It’s been ten years since I had an infant in this house. And now I’m sending my oldest to the store for me in my car! LOL
Oh and yummy looking cake!
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..The best cake I can’t remember how to make =-.
That was very brave of you to post this. Some people might view this topic as Taboo. However it is sooo not taboo. It is a serious and mostly misunderstood illness. I had PPD with my 1st child. It was awful. There were times when I actually wanted to throw him accorss the room. I thought he hated me and even had suicidal thoughts. It was terriable. I often thought of running my car into a tree to just “end it all”. I finally realized that my feelings were not normal and were not me. So with my second I actually took Zoloft during the 3rd timester to avoid PPD. And thank goodness it worked. I think there are so many women out there who are ashamed to admit what they are going through. So BRAVO to you for speaking out about it!
.-= leslie´s last blog ..Bugs and Butterflies Cake =-.
Wow, Kristen! Bravo to you, both for getting help and posting about it! I’m sorry you had to go through this, but happy for you that the Zoloft is helping. It’s past time for the stigma to be lifted on this condition. Take care of yourself! (And belated congratulations on the baby! She’s gorgeous! All of your children are.)
Thanks so much for having the courage to share this. I had a postpartam anger that exploded when my bosses wife smarted off to me the last time, I had enough and went straight to my boss and quite. My baby was about 9 months, and I had been working 10 hour days 3 days a week since he was 3 months as a dental hygienist. I gave away my pooping dog, and fired my crazy nanny all within a period of a week. I also deleted my whole phone book from my phone. I was seriously pissed off. All I wanted to do was be with my son, and everyone was giving me so much stress. Looking back, after you shared your story, I guess it could have been depression too, although it was cured after my drastic actions, and my rage that had been building for seriously ever since I can remember, quickly disappeared. I am not nearly as sarcastic anymore, I am much more calm, and sleep alot less. I actually talked to my husband that maybe I had been depressed for years, and was just now coming out of it. I went from sleeping 9-10 hours, to now 7-8 hours. Thanks so much for starting this conversation. XOXO
.-= Angie´s last blog ..Roasted Pumpkin Pie and Giveaway =-.
Kristen, I so admire you for writing this post. Post-partum depression is one of those poorly understood things that so many people suffer from untreated. I’m sure I had it with both of my kids and went untreated – how much easier my life would have been if I had gotten help. Thank you for bringing awareness to this and for being brave enough to put yourself out there to help others. I’m glad you got help!
.-= Dana´s last blog ..Making a Good Thing Better =-.
Good for you for sharing this, Kristen. I’m glad to hear that you’re doing so much better now. Like many of the other commenters, I wonder, looking back, if I also suffered from PPD but didn’t realize it at the time. It’s tough to be a mom at any stage. It wasn’t until about a year ago (6 months after my mom died and when my younger daughter just turned 2) that I started to realize that I needed some sort of help. It took another 6 months after that for me to actually do something about it. I haven’t tried medication, but I highly recommend counseling/therapy. It’s helped me tremendously with depression and anxiety. Heck, I didn’t even realize that what I was experiencing was anxiety. Like you, I just thought I was losing my mind. =) Hang in there!
.-= Di´s last blog ..What goes around, comes around =-.
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