I first realized I had a problem a couple of months ago. Leah, my new baby, was 3 months old. I was still in new baby bliss, totally loving every moment with her. One part of me felt extremely happy… life was about as good as it can get. What began creeping up on me though was something I couldn’t explain. I started to become very anxious, almost like I was over-caffeinated (and I rarely drink coffee). My heart would race and I would feel shaky. I was extremely edgy. Every little thing my other kids would do would drive me crazy. I was yelling at them more than I ever had before, about even the tiniest of things…(not getting in their carseats fast enough, leaving their shoes out on the floor, hollering my name after they went to bed). When Ella would fall and hurt herself or cry, I would turn and walk the other direction because the tone of her cry was more than I could handle…like fingernails on a chalkboard. Simple chores, like unloading the dishwasher, were too overwhelming for me. It would take me all day long to do what should have taken me 5 minutes. Finally, one day, I snapped… Kelly, my 5 year old was doing her homework, sitting in a chair right next to me. She was writing and very innocently kept knocking her elbow into me as she wrote. I felt, at that moment, like I was going to crawl out of my skin and absolutely lose it with her. It took that moment for me to realize that something was not right. I needed help.
The next morning I was having breakfast with a good friend of mine when I decided to actually verbalize what I had been going through. I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone, even my own husband, because I honestly felt like I was losing my mind and was just a horrible mom. When I expressed to my friend, who happened to have had a baby just 2 months before me, what I was going through she nodded in understanding. Come to find out, she had just been to the doctor a couple months before for the same thing and she was now being treated for post-partum depression.
Depression? But I’m happy! I’m not weepy and unable to get out of bed. I love my baby and have never had any ill feelings towards her. How could I have postpartum depression? But my friend described what she was going through and it mirrored my symptoms exactly.
As soon as I got home that morning I called my OBGYN’s office and they had me come in right away. I remember sitting in that office when I was there for my 6 week postpartum checkup and being asked “How are you feeling? Do you have any of the baby blues?” Proudly, in fact extra proud of myself because I’ve been able to answer the same way with all four kids “Nope – I am very happy and things are going great!”
What I found out the day of my appointment was that I did in fact have postpartum depression symptoms. What came to a surprise to me is, as the doctor explained, many people believe postpartum shows up within the first several weeks after having a baby. It does happen that way, but postpartum depression usually presents itself anywhere between when the baby is actually 4 months old to a year. Also, postpartum depression doesn’t always mean that you can’t stop crying and that you hate your baby. Anxiety, nervousness and overall edginess are other very common postpartum depression symptoms.
I am now being treated with Zoloft, an anti-depressant medication. As a normally pretty happy and well balanced person, I can tell you that I never thought that I would need to be on an anti-depressant medication. I can also tell you that starting Zoloft one month ago was one of the best decisions I have made in a very long time. The patient, loving mom I once was is back. I am no longer running away when one of them cries, instead running to them with open arms. Our home is peaceful once again… the screaming and yelling has totally ceased. My to-do list is getting accomplished and I am not nearly as overwhelmed by the little tasks of my day as I was.
I am not writing this post today for sympathy. I am writing it because I know that there are others out there most likely feeling the same way. I want you to know that you aren’t crazy… just because you don’t feel depressed and aren’t crying all the time does not mean that you are okay. Postpartum depression rears its ugly head in many forms. Please, if you feel even the slightest bit off kilter, talk to your doctor. Getting help can make your life manageable again. It did mine.
Now, when life is a little less serious and you just need a chocolate pick me up, try this Deep Dark Chocolate Cake found over at Inn Cuisine. This delicious cake can’t fix postpartum depression, but it certainly can help to perk up your mood!
Deep Dark Chocolate Cake (from Inn Cuisine and Hershey’s)
- 2 cups granulated sugar
- 1 & 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
- 3/4 cup cocoa
- 1 & 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
- 1 & 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 2 large eggs
- 1 cup milk
- 1/2 cup vegetable or canola oil
- 2 teaspoons vanilla
- 1 cup boiling water
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour two 9-inch cake rounds or one 13×9×2-inch baking pan.
In a large mixing bowl, stir together the first six ingredients (sugar through salt); add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; beat on medium speed for 2 minutes. Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin); pour into prepared pan(s) and bake in a preheated 350 degree F oven for 35-40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in center comes our clean. If baking cake rounds, allow rounds to cool slightly before turning out onto wire racks to cool completely. If using rectangular baking pan, allow cake to cool completely before icing.
One Bowl Chocolate Frosting
- 6 tablespoons butter, softened to room temperature
- 2 & 2/3 cups confectioner’s (powdered) sugar
- 1/2 cup cocoa
- 1/3 cup heavy whipping cream
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
In a medium-sized bowl, mix and beat all ingredients using an electric mixer. If icing seems too thick, add a touch more heavy cream until desired consistency is reached, taking care not to over-thin the icing. I have found these amounts enough to frost the top and center layer of two, stacked, 9-inch cake rounds (but not the sides) or the top of a 13×9×2-inch rectangular cake. If you are looking to frost the sides of the stacked cake rounds as well, consider doubling these amounts.
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I am shocked to hear this. More importantly I am glad you are getting the treatment you need. This decision on how to treat is between you and your family. Sounds like things are working great and I am so glad to hear everything is going well. We support you 100% and if you need anything (even if I am a few states away), I am always a phone call away. Thanks for your honesty.
Good for you! I am a HUGE proponent of anti-depressants and think they should probably put Wellbutrin in the water. Glad you’re back to happy
Thank you for sharing. Glad you are feeling better. Your cake looks delicious.
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I didn’t have my depression post partum, it was the aftermath of several concurrent major life changes and traumatic events, but I totally relate to your post. I wasn’t weeping or sad all the time. I just felt easily stressed, and I couldn’t cope with even the smallest break in my established routine. It sent me off the deep end. I like to describe it as having my threshold for stress dialed way down. It took me a long time (and medication) to get back to where I feel I can handle the stresses in my life without feeling overwhelmed. I still don’t think I am where I was before, but I don’t take meds any more, and I can handle a flat tire without feeling like my heart just jumped into my throat. Thanks so much for sharing your experience so openly and honestly. It’s still nice to know it happens, I’m not the only one, and it doesn’t mean I’m not a strong person
Karen´s last blog ..Nanaimo Bars: The Real Deal
Thank you for sharing this information and personal stuff about yourself.
Looks like that cake could cure any kind of blues!
Katrina´s last blog ..TWD–Sweet Potato Biscuits and/or Pumpkin Biscuits
As a psychologist I work extensively with postpartum depression, and while your story is familiar, your ability to manage it so well is unique. Your courage to speak to a friend models the importance of support and validation that women struggling with PPD need, and I hope your willingness to take care of yourself by seeking medical help will inspire other new mothers to do the same. So many women never reach out for help due to fear of judgement and their own shame. Thank you for sharing your experience with the world, it will make it easier for other women to do the same.
P.S. Your blog is beautiful and your cake recipe looks delicious!
Hello- I am a foodie and take often peeks into foodgawker…. thats when I saw your cake….OMG I AM TRYING IT!!………. and the words
POST PARTUM DEPRESSION
I had that too for 3 years after my 4th child, my daughter was born in ‘96. I didnt know I had it until its was almost gone( cuz I didnt talk about it, I thought I shouldnt have these emotions) and then Marie Osmond came out with it on OPRAH and I said, “I have that, I feel like that, I do that, THATS ME !!”
Well, needless to say, I am now in school to get my RN to work with post partum moms to just be there, tell them there not crazy and to hug and cry with them. I have the most amazing husband but he didnt know what I was going through…
THANK YOU for your post…. your courage to talk about this… for some reason its still kind of “taboo” in some of the circles around here…. not for long though !
So, here is a bug hug, from Orange County Ca, from me… Please know that your are not crazy ( I know you already know this ) and this too will pass…
Good diet, lots of rest and reasonable excersize are all really good for PPD.
God got me through this so I can go help others… I know you will too.
Davese G.
I’m glad you’re feeling better and getting a little help. There’s no shame in it.
camille´s last blog ..Apple and Pear Pie
Kristen, I truly give you credit for expressing how you felt and for sharing a bit of your life with everyone. Not many people would do that.
I am so glad that you are feeling better and that there’s peace in your home once again.
As for that chocolate cake- it definitely defines what “yummalicious” really means. Beautiful photo!
Kamran Siddiqi´s last blog ..New York-Style Bagel Recipe & Food Blogger’s Block
Kristen, I had my first child over 14 years ago, and I’m sure I went through the same thing. Back then (not that it was that long ago), women weren’t talking about post partum depression. Thanks so much for sharing.
By the way, there’s a lot of very interesting research out there on the benefits of omega-3 fats for ppd.
Fabulous looking cake…
Liz´s last blog ..Podcast 77: Halloween Cupcakes and Scary Food Stories
Hi Kristen-
I’m chiming in a little late, but I wanted to say congrats on your expanded family! Also, great, great post. It was a very honest, straightforward account of your PPD and I think you’ve helped a lot of people. My first year with Walt would’ve been much better had I gotten help.
-Anne
Anne´s last blog ..Happiest Of Happiest
Great post…really, I feel like I could have written it myself. I felt that way after my son was born and again after my daughter…both were 7 months old when I realized it too. It’s hard to find others who can relate, and it feels quite lonely I admit. Thanks for sharing.
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Your post brought me to tears.
My post partum depression showed up around 7 months and it took me a few months to realize that it was a problem that was out of my control….I can 100% relate! I saw a post partum depression counsellor which helped but I still have days that I feel totally overwhelmed and accomplish nothing!
Thanks for sharing your story, I know it’ll help a lot of women. (and maybe some husbands too)
oh and the chocolate cake looks yummy!
Katie´s last blog ..Brains for Lunch!
Kristen, good for you for recognizing the symptoms. I’m sure this post will help others recognize that the symptoms are not just weepy or hating the baby it could be a host of other reactions. And I’m sure chocolate helps!
Glad you got treatment for post postpartum depression. This cake I’m sure is very delicious. You know dark chocolate is supposed to be good for you.
m soo loving this deep dark chocolate cake!1 yumm!!
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Really pleased that you wrote this post : ) Obviously not pleased that you have postpartum depression but that you have the courage to share the fact that you do. I too became depressed after the birth of my first daughter and like you it wasn’t straight after the birth as most people expect. I think after the dust settles and everything goes back to normality is when it’s the hardest.
My son was due to be born 5 days ago and so your post really touches home right now, knowing that I could possibly face what you have been going through. Thank you for helping to not make it such a taboo subject and for realising that it is something that should be shared and not be made ashamed of. I hope you continue to feel better, take care of yourself xxxx
Thank you for your honesty. Every time someone tells the truth (especially about how it may not present as “weepies” or right after giving birth) it helps every other mom out there to ask for help. Thank you so, so much. The cake won’t hurt your serotonin levels, either.
I’m sure your openess and honesty about your experience with Postpartum Depression has helped someone. Thanks for sharing and for sharing this chocolate cake as well. Looks so rich and yummy.
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I’m sure this post will help many women, Kristen. I have never been pregnant, so I have no idea how difficult PPD must be. You’re brave to share your ordeal, and I wish you all the best.
great post and good for you for being pro-active. Love the recipe too.
God bless you for sharing your experience with the world. By telling your story, you will help many others.
Your cake looks divine, by the way, and I am a huge chocoholic. A little chocolate every now is a good thing – it lifts the spirit and that is good for the body, plus, it’s got all those antioxidants – that’s what I tell myself, anyway.
Waverly´s last blog ..BEYOND JACK-O-LANTERNS: PUMPKIN SOUP, PUMPKIN MUFFINS, AND PUMPKIN BREAD PUDDING
I’m so glad you had the awareness to reach out and talk to someone about what you were feeling. Postpartum can really sneak up on you, as I hear. Reading about your experience was a good reminder for me to be aware of these kinds of symptoms a few months from now – with all the hoopla surrounding the arrival of a new baby it’s often easy to forget your own needs. Thanks so much for sharing, Kristen – and I hope you’re feeling better!
Kathy – Cooking On the Side´s last blog ..Pecan Praline Cookies
I had postnatal depression at six weeks when the eldest was born – already diagnosed with recurrent depression, and then discovering my partner at the time had cancer really pushed me over the edge. I never recovered – I’ve never been told I can work again, and I’m still treated for it, and he’s now 10.
It’s important to underscore in my case that I had a pre-existing condition (bipolar disorder) which was only discovered BECAUSE of postnatal depression and I’m not a typical case, but you’re right – we should talk about it more. I got past being ashamed of my own disorder when I realised that the only story I needed to worry about was my own, and that no one could say *I* was a bad person for whatever because in reality, the only thing wrong with me was ‘bad wiring’. Mental health of all kinds is a stigma that destroys lives – not because of what it is in many cases, but because we don’t talk or get help when we should.
*hugz* and I’m glad you’re helping others – that cake looks delish. I ended up solving mine with a scottish recipie called Tablet (it’s going to be one of the posts on my new blog, when I come out from under dealing with family stuff!)
Kai´s last blog ..Hello world!
That is a beautiful testimony that might help many other moms out there who are struggling, your post gives hope to cope with ppd.
Cris´s last blog ..Mud hens
Thank you for this courageous post. Speaking about depression is difficult and rare, and I hope you know that you’ve helped many other people with your willingness to do it.
…and now it’s been almost two weeks since you posted and I’m hoping you’re ok.
Kate at Serendipity´s last blog ..CESTINI DI SALMONE
Thanks for sharing your story. I admire your grace under pressure. Wishing you the best of luck on your road to recovery.
Kudos to you for sharing your experience. Even though postpartum depression is more well known now, it’s important to discuss the range of symptoms. So glad to hear you’re doing well now.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that–hearing you describe your symptoms reminded me of my issues with anxiety… I was never able to be medicated and still function properly, so I’ve had to deal with it through diet, exercise and lifestyle change. Either way, it’s so brave that you’ve actually done something about it! Good for you!
emiglia´s last blog ..La Rioja
I think this is more common than we like to believe, mainly because people don’t want to admit that things aren’t perfect. I was treated for depression a few years ago, and I can’t tell you what a difference it has made in my life. I’m so glad to hear things are better and manageable for you now!!
Deborah´s last blog ..Cookbook of the Month Recipe – Sweet and Sour Chicken
Thank you for this post. I found it just in time. I was trying to write something about my own sad feelings today, different reasons, and was a bit scared to blog about it.
Yes, it definitely helps to know there are other people out there that are having hard times and sharing and talking about it openly is helping others. Sometimes i wonder do some people are truly only happy or do they only blog about their happy times?
Glad to hear you are feeling better.
Nurit – 1 family. friendly. food.´s last blog ..Steamy sweet and sour pork meatballs
would it be Ok to link to this post and point to reading the comments?
Nurit – 1 family. friendly. food.´s last blog ..Steamy sweet and sour pork meatballs
Great recipe and love your blog.
I am SO PROUD of you for being so vulnerable in your post. Although I haven’t had children yet, I have several friends who have suffered postpartum depression. I live a life of transparency, willing to share my pain and struggle in the hope it will help others. I think that’s why in each case I was the first person these friends told about their struggles, fortunately I knew the symptoms and recommended they see their doctor immediately. It’s so important to be real, and I think your post will make a difference in a lot of lives.
DianasaurDishes´s last blog ..Thanksgiving Stuffing Recipe for Two
I want to thank you for this post, it made me realize that I am also struggling with Postpartum Depression. Since then I have been able to understand why I have been short with people and unable to handle stressful situations in the same way I did before. It really has made a difference in my life! Thanks.
Wow, Kristen, thanks so much for sharing information that will help countless others suffering from various types of depression. I’m so glad you found the way to overcome your challenges. I never had postpartum depression, thank God, but I’ve always suffered from mild depression. About a year and a half ago I began having anxiety/panic attacks. There were some stressful things going on then, but really not anything more than usual, so I’m not sure what triggered this. Anyway, the anxiety attacks began happening more and more often, until one week I had anxiety attacks on both Thursday and Friday when I was trying to work and I had anxiety attacks so badly on Saturday that I was unable to leave the house, although I had appointments for a haircut and color (fun stuff, you know?). Sunday I drove just down the street to do an errand and was in a total panic. I was dangerously close to becoming agoraphobic.
Fortunately, my beloved husband stayed home from work Monday and took me to his internist and stayed with me throughout the whole visit. His fabulous doctor, now my doctor also, listened to my description of symptoms and prescribed Zoloft to me. He also prescribed something called Ativan to be used in case of an acute anxiety attack.
Now, all these months later, I take the Zoloft daily and have the Ativan for “just in case.” When I describe my emotional state to my doctor now, i.e., feeling positive and hopeful regardless of my circumstances, he says, yes, that’s what people are supposed to feel like normally.
I can’t recommend highly enough that if you’re suffering from depression or anxiety you should talk to your doctor about medications that can help. There’s no reason for anyone to suffer unnecessarily.
Kearby´s last blog ..Tips and Tricks and Helpful Hints
I was doing a little 3am food porn while feeding my baby and came across this post. First off, I want some cake. Second, I didn’t realize irritability and all around crankiness was a sign of PPD. I mean, I thought the midnight cries were a little concerning but my baby is only 2 weeks old so its gotta be baby blues. I guess I should be more concerned with how I feel like screaming at my toddler 90% of the time than with if I like or dislike my baby. The babies are the easy part.
What an excellent post. Many new moms might not intially put 2 and 2 together. Some might not want to admit that depression is at play. Positive posts like this do wonders. Thank you for opening your heart.
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