My heart is so heavy tonight and I just cannot seem to get past the emotions I am feeling. I tried to sleep but my tears won’t stop flowing and and the gut wrenching emotional pain is not letting up.
My 6 year old is the kind of boy I want with all of my heart to raise. He is the kid who when he pulls an opponents flag in flag football, he picks it up off the ground and hands it to the person he “tackled”. If one of his classmates forgets to bring an afternoon snack to school, he shares his snack with them. When his classmates are spending their reward tickets in their school store and one of them is short a bit of being able to get what they want, Jacob offers up some of his tickets to them. He is a kind and gentle boy with such a warm heart and I love him dearly for that.
We had parent teacher conferences this week and it came to no surprise to us when Jacob’s teacher shared with us how quiet and shy he is in class. He is succeeding in all of the academic areas… reading beyond where he needs to be, scoring high in math, etc. He is, however, painfully shy at school. His Kindergarten teacher brought this to our attention last year and we knew before then that he was shy around adults. He is such a rule follower at school and does not want to take any chances with getting into trouble. At home and with our neighbors and family, we see a different boy. A boy who is outgoing, who laughs a lot and who likes being right there in the middle of the action. It is sometimes hard for me to believe that the boy the teachers talk about and the boy at home are even the same child. Jacob does love school, which I am so happy about. When we are out of school on breaks, he is often anxiously counting down the days until he gets to go back.
When we asked Jacob’s teacher about his friends and recess, she said “Jacob is such a nice kid. At recess he is what I would call kind of a tag-a-long… he isn’t aggressive like the other boys, but he always tries to fit in and do things with the other students.” The concerned mom in me said, “He is playing with other kids though, right? He isn’t a loner playing off in a corner by himself, is he?” She assured us he wasn’t and that he just wasn’t as aggressive about getting into the center of things as some of the other boys.
Today out of the blue I decided to ask Jacob this question… “Jacob, are you ever lonely at school?”. His response shocked me as he has never let on to feeling alone at school. “All the time. I am lonely every single day at both of my recesses. Some of the kids are mean to me and I hate going to recess.” I tried to get more out of him… he named a few names and indicated that part of it was because he isn’t any good at kickball, which is apparently has taken over tag, which was the popular thing to play at the beginning of the school year. My.Heart.Broke. Right then in there, I wanted to snatch him up in my arms and shelter him from this world we live in. I wanted to put a magic shield around him so that he never had to feel alone again. I wanted him to know that someday…hopefully soon… his kindness and warm heart will matter so much more to the world than his ability to play kickball.
It is official…I hate recess now too. You can bet that each and every day, during those two periods in the day, my heart will be breaking all over again for my sweet boy and I will hope and pray that he is finding his way and is not feeling lonely.
Why does parenting have to leave us feeling so raw? I am certain that the pain he feels, I feel ten fold. I can only hope that he does not feel it as strong as I am feeling it.
I know that this isn’t my family blog and I typically reserve this type of post for that blog, but for now they are being combined until my mojo returns! I appreciate you listening… I feel better having had the opportunity to get my thoughts out there.
With that, I will leave you with a recipe. A recipe that is so simple… I could only wish that life were the same.
Garlic Shrimp Pasta (from Recipezaar)
30 min | 10 min prep
SERVES 6 -8
- 1 lb medium shrimp, deveined and tails removed
- 1 lb spaghetti noodles (more or less, depending on family size)
- 6-8 garlic cloves, according to personal taste, minced
- 1/4 cup butter
- olive oil (3 drizzles)
- italian seasoning
- fresh ground pepper
- red pepper flakes
- salt
- herbs (according to taste)
- (I added 1 cup of sliced fresh mushrooms)
- Boil pasta in water till tender, save 1 cup of pasta water for use later. I always put some oil, salt, and fresh herbs in with my pasta when I boil it. Drain and set aside when done.
- While pasta is boiling, wash shrimp.
- Melt butter over medium heat. Add shrimp.
- Let cook till a little pink and starting to curl. Then add garlic.
- Cook 5-7 min., add oil. Continue to stir till shrimp is pink and curled.
- Add pasta to skillet. Add seasonings. Add just enough saved pasta water till it is not dry but not swimming in liquid either. Depending on amount of pasta this requires 1/2 the cup or all of it. Start with adding 1/4 of it then work up from there.
- Keep tossing all ingredients around in skillet till all is incorporated and hot. Enjoy!
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As a parent and teacher , I feel your pain. I wish social interactions could be more simple for our little ones. Wishing you and all of your family some good Mojo!
Go back to the school and talk to them. How sad. He sounds like he will be a fine young man–the kind we need.
Jacob has the sweetest, most genuine smile. And I am so sorry that kids are too young right now to recognize purity and a beautiful heart.
oh hun, i’m not one to comment much, but this time i can’t NOT say something. it seems like only yesterday i was in your son’s position. i was shy in kindergarten, felt like an outcast by 2nd grade, and by the time i was in 6th grade it had snowballed. there was an “I hate Erin” club formed by then…and guess who the ONLY person who wasn’t in it? anyone i thought was my friend turned their back on me. i only hope you keep an eye on this and step in if it doesnt get better. kids can be downright evil sometimes and would hate to see your son suffer as a result. best of luck
~e
I don’t tear up easily, but this was such a lovely post that my vision is all blurry now! Your son sounds like an amazing kid and you are such a loving mother. Thanks for the great read and the great recipe.
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I totally feel for you. As the mom, this must be excrutiating. There were so many times I felt alone at school, especially after we would have moved (my dad was in the military) that I feel like I understand where Jacob is right now. He will be fine! Better than fine, believe me. Kids worlds change in an instant – either a new kid being transferred to his school and them becoming best friends, or these current recess kids taking him more into their fold. It’s hard to feel like you’re the tag-a-long, and that is lonely, but that’s what I did too when first trying to meet people. You have to invite yourself. Be thankful he is strong enough to do that, and not the loner you feared at first. He’s obviously very capable of putting himself out there, standing in the middle of a not-so-fun situation, and dealing with it. Better even than ‘dealing with it’, he’s engaging and trying to make it work. That is a life lesson he will take with him and be able to manage as an adult. We all get into situations we dont like, and some of us are better at understanding, dealing and being patient at those times. Jacob will be more than fine and come out of this an even better person than the one you originally talked of. I would be sure to tell him that you’re proud of him for trying, proud of him for sticking around at recess and joining in the games. School changes so fast, just like it did from tag to kickball. Hang in there (both of you!).
My heart is crying right with yours Kristen. It’s not an easy job we parents have – on one side we want to protect them from the big bad world and on the other we want them to be strong and make it in that same world. Would inviting a friend or two home from class after school for a play afternoon help?
For Soeren who is also a rather sensitive boy this was a great way to make a friend or two. This way they got to know each other out of the school environment and at school played together.
Kristen, if you need to talk please just email – sometimes it helps when mums cry and lament on each other’s shoulders!
I really feel your pain on this, too. I hope things turn around for your son very soon.
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I have two shy sons, who are now grown.
It is soo painful to not go to the school at recess and try to fix this situation for your son!
But, have your son choose one or two kids and have after school play dates once a week to start. Have them at your house, because Jacob feels safe there. And his “home” personality will come out there.
That’s what I did for my sons, just let them invite someone over. Little by little, he had someone to play with at recess. It’s a start.
Good luck, I know how you are feeling. It WILL get better for Jacob.
Just know that just like you feel better for having shared your pain, I’m sure that Jacob’s burden is also lighter knowing he has his Mom to share his feelings with. It took SO much for you to try to understand this child the teachers see at school – and to talk to him about it. Hopefully he’ll also share very soon with you that recess is a better time because of a new game that he’s good at!
I don’t have kids, so I can’t imagine what your going through, but my heart broke reading that and now I just want to pick him up and give him a huge cuddle. I was a very quiet kid at school, take heart from the fact that he is playing and engaging with other kids at school.
Beautifully expressed, sadly true about a mother’s pain.
Children go through so many phases…remember the terrible twos? Hopefully, this too shall pass, but you did the right thing by opening a dialogue. Give him space, encouragement, and a loving family sitting in a warm, aromatic kitchen filled with goodies that Mommy made to come home to.
I thought when I grew up I would leave painful heart breaks behind. I was so happy to have survived elementary, middle school and high school. And yes it felt like surviving. BUT NO ONE TOLD ME…
Going through those years with your child can be SO MUCH more painful then when you went through them the first time. The Mother bear comes out, the helplessness of watching your child heart break…breaks yours even more.
Praying your boy can find one good friend he can hang out with.
I feel for you and Jacob! My oldest is not the most outgoing boy at school and is not very good at playing catch. He’s not a big sports kind of kid – loves baseball, but that seems to be it so far.
It’s so hard to watch your child be the one who’s not included or asked to join in… Aaron is quite a different kid at home, like your son, so it’s hard to reconcile how he’s not always a part of the “action” at school. I ask each day (gently) who he played with and what they did – sometimes he joins in for tag and those type of games, but that’s about it. He’s got one really good friend who doesn’t like sports either, and when that child is not at school, he tends to come home sadder than on other days.
I second the suggestion of inviting a friend or 2 over for a play date. I did that recently for Aaron and he now has one more boy who he feels he can go ask to play at recess.
This parenting thing is so hard to do. Wouldn’t it be easier if there were a handbook so we would have the perfect solution to all of these questions?
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My heart breaks for you, too. When I think of “school” it is always like a commercial…kids working happily, school pictures, etc. It’s not like that. I worked as an aide for 2 years in the “good” school district here. School can be brutal. What I heard come out of the mouths of 3rd and 4th graders made me cry…literally.
After our son completed 2nd grade, we made the decision to homeschool. It’s not a decision for everyone, I know, but it has worked beautifully for us. Yes, he still has interaction with kids through sports and school groups, etc. It’s actually made him MORE outgoing.
Well…if you want any info on homeschooling, please feel free to email me. My email is on my blog.
It sounds like you have a really wonderful boy there!
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K… I am right there with you … and don’t have ANY answers for you.
Know that you ARE raising a wonderful boy … and those traits and quiet spirit will benefit him as he grows into an adult.
I too heartily SECOND the playdate suggestion … ask his teacher who another “loner” might be .. intervene (just a bit).
Keep us posted? (no one minds that you’re posting this over here, I promise!)
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As a mom, reading your post just breaks my heart! We always want the best for our kids and for them to be happy, and how heartbreaking to hear that he is lonely! I don’t have any amazing words of wisdom for you, but I do think that it’s great that he’s sharing his pain with you. I’d keep that conversation rolling and as long as he’s willing to talk, you can be the one to listen and heal his emotional pain.
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Jacob is such a sweet boy, I can tell by the way you write about him. Parenting through their pain is so tough but you are such a caring mom he will find his way. As parents we just have to pray harder for them.
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Oh my gosh, my heart is breaking for Jacob,too! Is there a way you can find out what the other kids that don’t play kick ball do? A friend of mine had a similar situation with her son and she found out the other boys were into Bakugan so she bought some for her son and now he’s in the “Bakugan group.” Good luck!
Oh Kristen, I’m so sorry!!!! Kye has those days too sometimes. Makes me want to come over and bully some kids on the playground myself!!!
I agree with the playdate thing, a playdate with Kye won’t be helpful as they don’t attend school together….ask his teacher who in his class would be a good choice. I would definitely revisit with her again. Hopefully she’s the teacher we all want our kids to have and can help. Recess is hard for all kids sometimes, even the ones who are good at kickball! 
Whitney
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For what it’s worth, kickball was the bane of my existence as a child, and I was constantly getting in trouble because I would try to get out of playing. My mother eventually bribed me with a Barbie doll if I went up and kicked the ball, but to this day, I don’t understand why they didn’t buy a ball and take me outside and kick it around with me. I was also shy as a child, and afraid of looking stupid in front of the other kids. If my parents had kicked the ball around with me, I would have become more comfortable and spent quality time with them at the same time.
So that’s my suggestion, I guess. I don’t have kids, so what do I know, but I suggest you get a ball and go kick it around so he can get comfortable with that ball rolling towards him in front of everyone and how you kick the stupid thing.
My son is the same way right down to the rule-following. He doesn’t push into things. I think kids like your son and mine will eventually find a best friend to hang out with, and aren’t going to master the social whirl & chaos of recess.
I do think it helps to invite other kids over to play – one at a time.
Also, being friends with girls can be a good thing. If other little boys have been brought up to act like brutal, unpredictable hellions then, well, who needs them!
You’ve had so many wonderful comments on this already that it seems trite, but I can’t help but want to throw some more reassuring notes on top of the pile at this point.
Kids are mean. Point blank, there’s no way to slice it. I can’t lie and tell you that he’s going to have an easy time getting through grade school and junior high and even highschool. It seems to me that the kids with the biggest hearts and the sharpest minds are often the ones who end up outcast. What I can say is, much though it breaks your heart to hear him tell you that he is lonely now, you should know with at least some confidence that the 15 years he spends lonely now will make up for themselves in spades later in life when he is still confident enough to be his own person, in spite of what other people are doing – because that ability changes everything.
I know that it can’t be easy to tell a sad 10 year old that (god knows my mother had trouble consoling me with that limp line) but eventually, he’ll see it. I promise.
Now, my heart is breaking because your heart is breaking. There is no time limit on compassion. Because my child is sad, I am sad. I agree with some of the writers who advised you to have one or a child over for a play time after school. What about the kids on his football team? Do any of them go to school with him? I also agree with some of the writers who advised you to go to talk again with the teacher.I would suggest having one child at a time for the play date and pick one who the teacher says is like Jacob and needs a friend. Practice kick-ball at the playground with Jacob. It isn’t hard and requires kicking coordination which comes with practice. You might ask Jacob if there is someone in his class who is also kind of shy. I know Jacob and I know first graders. Some of them are so insecure they become bullies. Jacob is on his way to becoming a gentleman…a gentle man. As you know his Grandfather is a gentle man and I am the envy of my friends as he opens the car door for me, etc. His Grandfather also moved a lot during elementary school and had a hard time making friends. He is now a person others look up to. Your husband is a gentleman. Jacob has good role models and he will grow up to be a great person. Give him a hug for me. Love, Mom
Oh, Kristen! When I read this post, old cracks in my heart started breaking all over again. I went through the very same thing with my daughter when she was little. At home, she was the most charming, charismatic and outgoing child you’d ever want to see. At school, while being an excellent student and great “rule follower”, she was painfully shy and withdrawn. She was the child who was always off by herself on the swing, watching all the other kids play together. She just couldn’t bring herself to join in. Not only that, but so many of those other kids were just plain mean. She once told me that “being in kindergarten was like being locked in a box all day”. What devastating words to hear from your 5 year-old!
I really do believe that the blame for much of this problem lies with the teachers and the attitude of the school in general. (Believe it or not, my daughter was attending a Catholic school. So much for “Christian charity”!) Teachers should be more vigilant on the playground. When they see a child standing alone, they have the power and ability to draw that child into the group.
I eventually transferred my daughter to our local public elementary school and it was like night and day. My daughter’s teacher was all over the situation. She never let a child be excluded from any group. Her rule was, if everybody isn’t invited to play a game, then no one plays that game. And she stuck to it.
The first thing she did with my baby was enlist another little girl to be her “buddy”. That meant that they would eat lunch together and then go out to recess together. It was so much easier for my child to join in and play with the other kids when she had someone to do it with. Pretty soon, she began to gain confidence and develop friendships with other children.
Six years later, my daughter is a fairly well adjusted and socially adept teen. She is also still great friends with her “buddy” from elementary school.
I’m telling you this, first of all, because I want you to know that you are not alone. I went through such agony because I felt like there must be something wrong with both me and my child. (There wasn’t.) What is wrong is that too many parents don’t waste their time teaching their kids tolerance, acceptance and basic kindness. Too many teachers are just not willing to get involved.
In the second place, maybe this strategy of having a “buddy” will work for Jacob too. It’s worth a shot.
Watching your child struggle and suffer is the worst pain imaginable! Do whatever you have to do to make it better. Good luck!
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Maybe he just needs to be surrounded by a more social world. Host parties in your home with all the delicious things you make so he feels more comfortable socializing and playing with other kids. Or sign him up for community sports. It will get better as he gets older. Kids at school can be harsh!
Kristen, I can only hope when I’m a parent to have a fraction of your compassion and completely unconditional love. My heart goes out to you and Jacob. Your description of him reminds me of myself at that age, and I feel that he will only be stronger for these experiences.
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I don’t have any words of wisdom because I’m not a mother yet, but I do think that it will get better one day. My family moved when I was going into 5th grade, and i became painfully shy. It wasn’t until I found some really good friends in 7th grade that I was able to start breaking out of my shell. I hope he finds that special friend to help him soon!!
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Oh, Kristen, I feel so sad right now! Your little boy seems so nice and happy. I was always scared that my kids would go through that. I even thought about homeschooling them for a while, I just didn’t want to let them go. I really hope Jacob makes friends and learns to like recess again.
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Oh, my son was just like this, and I was exactly where you are now! The first day of kindergarten someone called him ‘four-eyes’ (he wore glasses, obv), and ‘shrimp’ on the bus. While not exactly shy, he, too, was not the most athletic or agressive child, a trait that was highly prized in our suburban neighborhood (and those parents are still jerks, btw).
But, you know, he was who he was, and found his own way. Those kids that called him those names turned out to be some of his best friends, so, yeah, kids can be cruel, but most likely they learned that from others. He will find friends, believe me.
Today my son is a varsity basketball player, on the high honor roll, and was voted on the homecoming court last year. He is one of the kindest, most empathetic teenagers I have ever known. His friends would do anything for him. I am so proud of him. He’ll be 17 next month.
Keep on doing what you’re doing. While we can’t protect them from everything, it sure sounds like he knows he’s got his mother on his side. He’ll be fine.
(Ha, and I came here from the shrimp picture on foodgawker. Shrimp & pasta for dinner it is!)
i was a kid like jacob & eventually found my happy place! so while that might not comfort you now, know that he’ll get there & the good relationships he has in his life he’ll cherish!
he’s got an adorable smile!
My heart is breaking for your little guy!!!
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Please tell us how he’s doing.
I was reminded of a time in the 2nd grade when I broke down crying because I didn’t want to go on the play ground. My teacher asked me why and I told her no one would play with me.
She called a classmate over and asked her if she’d like to play with me to swing or something. That girl said yes and all I remember doing is running towards the play ground.
Teachers can step in and make a difference.
Hi Kristen-
Thanks for stopping by my blog this morn and commenting on the HerLife article! I’m such a fan of your site…my friend Jen Bedell introduced me to it awhile ago.
What a sweet (and heartbreaking) post. I so feel your pain…I once wrote an article about how I hid behind the evergreen bushes at my daughter’s school after she told me she had no one to play with. I was a “Peeping Mom”…so worried about her loneliness. I was just looking for the kiddo I could bribe with a crisp $50 bill
(kidding about the bribery…kind of)
My 6-year old is like that too. He’s not as good as the other kids at soccer, which is the big thing in his playground. But he is so social with his friends.
One of the things Annie did was go into the classroom and read the class a story about bullying. Doing this consistently will help raise awareness in the kids. Some will still be aggressive and mean, but others will learn to mind their relationships.
Your son has a good heart. I pray that God will protect and preserve it.
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After reading that post, now I want to give your son a great big hug! I was that way in school – I was never really good at sports or any of the popular things. I’m such a mom – my heart breaks just thinking that my kids will be lonely or picked on at school, and my oldest is only three! Makes me want to homeschool!
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I am right in the middle of a lot of heartbreak with my older son too and, while their situations are different, it was nice to read about another mom who feels like a mama bear!
My son has some kind of developmental delay. He doesn’t have a diagnosis per se, but his language and cognition is behind that of his peers. He is the most social and charming child so most people don’t notice, but as he gets older (he is almost four), the gap between him and other children widens. We are two years away from kindergarten and I am so afraid for him. Will he be able to keep up? Will the other children make fun of him? Will he make friends?
I look forward to more of your writing on this topic. Thanks for sharing.
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He is going to be fine. Hard part about growing up. In Kindergarten, my teacher sent a note home to my mother saying that never spoke the entire day. So what. He’s going to be fine. You, on the other hand…
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If I was there I’d give you and your son a hug too.
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*BIG HUGS HEADED YOUR WAY*
I can totally understand your pain, and it’s all I can do to not cry openly here at my desk at work as well. You see… I WAS YOUR SON, and went through that when I was in elementary school (although little later than Kindergarten, but went through it much of the same). It sucks. Period.
So, what can you do? If the problem is centered around kick ball, maybe a little practice would help (nothing better than wow-ing people when they expect the opposite). The thing that helped me the most were activities outside of school. You mention flag football. Awesome. It’s those friendships and group activities that are great to look forward to. I’ve heard that activities like karate help with confidence quite a bit, which may help too.
It’s early on, and dynamics change quite a bit right now, especially year to year as students are shuffled among classes. My son experienced some of this in kindergarten as well. He’s better now in first grade. Sometimes that’s all it takes as they change so much in that first year of school. Hang in there!
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Kristen, I totally understand your feelings. As a parent but almost more from Jacob’s perspective. What you describe sounds so much like me. I was so painfully shy as a child. I heard my parents say it and discuss it and worry over it often. I had a few friends but often felt lonely or picked on. Even when things were stolen out of my lunch, I wouldn’t tell. The teachers expressed concern to my parents. I think the hardest part was watching my mom try to “fix” it and talk about it and stress about it. I KNEW what she was saying and stressing about. I felt like I was disappointing her and that made it hurt more for me. Junior high was the worst. High school I started having my own friends and interests but still tagged after the popular kids because my mom wanted me to be friends with them and be popular. I would say just be sure to not show him how much it hurts you because I DO think it is hurting you more.
Most people I meet do not consider me shy now though. It took a while but I think I still have those same insecurities and it is harder to make good friends. I worry all the time about my kids having friends but have a hard time making the initiative for fear of rejection. At the same time, I feel we are not invited to playdates unless I make the initiative so I wonder … But I am working on overcoming those old childhood feelings.
Best of luck to you and Jacob.
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Bless his heart!! My heart aches for both of you!! You were so good to me when Sarah left for college and you don’t even have any near that age yet! Here is a big hug for both of you!
It is so hard when we see our children hurt. One nice thing about kids is things can and will change day by day.
Keep an eye and ear out and if need be talk to the teacher. Usually these things straighten themselves out….and all is well….till the next thing comes along!
Best of luck with it and hope you are feeling better with that baby #4.
D.
Your kid, sounds like the sweetest kid ever! But kids can be so cruel sometimes! I feel like hugging him!
Don’t worry dear, soon he’ll understand that kickball has no importance. Good luck!
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Oh, Kristen. This brings tears to my eyes. Jacob is SUCH a great kid (as you know). Of, course now I just want to run out to recess and help him. Don’t lose heart.
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I completely understand. My son is not shy, but he is smaller than all the other boys. He can’t always keep up and my heart breaks for him. This past week, a bigger boy broke his arm at school. I think my son cried as much for being bullied as he did for the physical pain. I want nothing more than to keep him home and hold him in my arms forever, but he loves school and his friends. I know he will grow and catch up to the other boys. Until then, I feel the ache in my heart every day when he goes to school. I completely understand.
Kris–the kids life is easy for are asking folks if they want fries with that–I remember when James’ face started breaking out, in 5th grade, pleading with the Lord, I didn’t understand why he couldn’t get a break. And then I felt very strongly impressed that he needed this challenge to become what the Lord has planned for him to be.
Which still sucks. You want me to beat those other kids up?
Oh geez, I am right there with you. Having a very, very warm-hearted six year old boy myself, however he’s a crazy chatterbox everywhere, I can imagine how your heart sinks. Maybe you could get a ball and kick with him every day until he builds his confidence. Maybe you’ll feel proactive. Overall, it sucks when your child is so sweet and knowing there is a little sh*t at school being mean to them…oh my gawd don’t even get me started. Talk to the teacher about the names he mentioned and don’t back down. I had to do it this year and it worked.
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I’m so sorry. I hated that as a teacher. Seeing those kids who didn’t fit in all that well. I didn’t either. Neither did my husband. Neither did most of today’s most successful people.
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My heart aches for you and Jacob both. Calvin and Simon think Jacob is so awesome and ask all the time when they can all play again. I hope things get better.
It sounds like your parent/teacher conference went just like mine.
I just keep reminding myself (and I’ve commented before), parenting is like being punched in the stomach and heart at the same time.